my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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