do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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