He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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