I faked an abortion last night.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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