Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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