I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
