i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
