Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
