What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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