It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
