you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
