You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
