The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
