I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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