Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
