I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I have tasted many bathrooms
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
