I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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