Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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