Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
