Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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