I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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