apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
