worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
