Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
