youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
