If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
