after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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