I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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