the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
