That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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