I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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