Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Floor bacon is actually really good
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
