Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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