I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
