Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
