Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
