when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize