everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
