I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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