I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
