the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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