did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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