i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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