Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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