I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
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