If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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