Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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