My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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