Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
