I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
