I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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