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I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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