Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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