...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
