That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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