When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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