Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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