seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
