Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
