So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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