If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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